My Choice
by Kapsule corp
Summary: 18's thoughts to her brother the night before she gets married and how she came to where she is. Written on a whim. In First person point of view.


**Update on this: **Nothing big I changed the rating is all. I re-read it awhile back and decided (Kamekid: after two months of debate) that it didn't need the high rating. It seems silly to do, but I am.

Hey, well my beta is having trouble sending me ah beta-ed work so I'm posting this un-beta read. I did the best I could fixing it, but I have awful grammar.

I wrote this on more of a whim than anything. I watched Super 17 recently and inspired this. I rated it M, more for the ideas behind it than the actual content. If you feel that it's safe for younger eyes, then tell me please. BTW I consider Androids 16-19 to cover both 17 & 18 that's why it's listed as characters: Androids 16-19 & Krillin

For the record: I'm not too into this. I mean I think the idea is great, and it's fairly accurate in terms of character. The delivery could use work though. It comes off sloppy and a tad random. I also don't think this is accurate cannon wise. But I'm sick of sugar coated fics concerning the Cyborg twins that don't even bother to mention Krillin in more then one sentence.

It takes place at the beginning of 18 and Krillin relationship.

Disclaimer: Trust me if I owned Dragonball Z you would know it. If only for the fact that I could get away with murdering all the Krillin bashers(or at least have enough money to bribe the jury.)

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**_My choice._**

_Brother._

Strange I remember a time when that word, the single word, was the most. . .beautiful, I wish to say, but nothing held beauty in our eyes those days. Perhaps comforting is more correct. Though that hardly fits either since you cause far more grief then solace. Meaningful? Yes that's it, the most meaningful. You were my other. A doppelgänger in all ways except your dark hair, and lack of chest. You were my world and I was yours. So only did you, did _your _existence have meaning to me then.

It feels like forever ago that I called you my only man. That you understood me in a way only you knew how. That you complimented me in such a perfect, supernatural way. That our thoughts seemingly one in the same danced together in such perfect union. It was so very unnatural, so very. . .unhuman. How fitting a word, unhuman.

You remember I'm sure the way we fell in sync with one another. Each of our movements, our goals, all our actions reflected perfectly in the other. We were one in the same. At times it felt as if perhaps we were really one person, one being split for an unknown reason between two bodies.

Don't get me wrong, I know clearly that we were hardly the same in every aspect. I being the female and the elder of us openly displayed distaste for much of your tomfoolery. Where you delighted in cars and games, I delighted in clothes and more productive activities. It seems still so pointless to me, your insistence of making all of life a game. Is everything and everyone a toy in your harsh, unforgiving eyes?

Yet, deep within us I know we had no difference, we were true twins in our souls and hearts. Twins to our core. Our very hearts beat with the same passion, the same lust for pain. Our souls black winds that twisted and choked the very life from our beings the further and further we went into our mission. The more destruction we caused the closer our souls came to the death of their purity. But they traveled their together hand in hand. Ready for the worst of it. We could face anything, as long as the other was there.

That's how it had always been. No one, and nothing had ever in our short and painful lives come between you and I. Not even as I search through the childhood I can just barely recall do I find a moment in our lives where you were not by my side. I needed nothing, no one. I had you. I had someone to complete me, to be with me. I could be brave. Put on the mask of a warrior, and pretend I had no dreads. No fears.

Now. . .now I can only wonder, what changed? Why do you no longer understand me the way you once did? What broke your heart from mine? Why do I no longer feel you in my very veins? What has happened that could possibly tear apart a bond so powerful? Nothing in the world should have broken us. There wasn't supposed to be something so strong it could rip my very soul from yours. But there was. My fear. My only fear.

I lost you. I lost you to that monster. It broke my heart. Would you call me sentimental if you heard that? If you saw the tears I almost cried and now _do_ cry over you would you laugh at me? Call me weak? I know you would. For now there is nothing about me you understand. We don't connect the way we once did. You can never, will never know the pain of seeing, of feeling, your worst fear come true.

The phrase 'it's not you, it's me' comes to my mind. How right that feels, and how very true it is. Have you changed? No, you are no different than the boy who killed Gero, Kami was it really only a year ago? Yes, a year. That boy lives on to this day, playing the same games with different players knowing now of your enemies strength. But that girl, the one who was your partner, she is long since dead. Died the day you were taken from her.

It was in that one day that I grew up. I lost all my childlike hate unlike you. I understood better than ever that I could never kill again. I would never allow anyone to suffer this pain at my hand. Before that day I never knew care, never knew love. It was such a foreign emotion. So alien to feel lost and utterly alone. At that moment I needed you more than ever before, and knew I'd never have you back. That alone increased my need. Even after the pain of cell was just a memory my need went unfilled.

I wanted the love(or what I thought was love) that was between you and I back then. Yet, I had grown. I was a child no more. Your barely seen, barely felt idea of care was not enough for me. You couldn't cure the loneliness that had settled into my heart. My need became one you could no longer fill.

_**Krillin **_however, could.

I found him. I said I would return and I'm a women of my word. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know how it would turn out, but in that one night he gave me what I had so long been yearning for. Love, real, strong, passionate love. He held it in his every gaze toward me. It filled the hole in my heart, and suddenly my loneliness was gone.

Then something I never expected happened. I'm not clear how so don't ask me, and I know truly you will never fully care for reasons. Reasons never bring results, at least not for you my twin. All I know, all I will ever know is that. . .I fell in love with him.

This at first made you laugh. You wouldn't, no you couldn't believe it. These things, love, caring, absolute happiness, are things you can't understand. Things you won't will yourself to understand. They are beyond you, in a place where you will never reach.

They would have been beyond me too, had I not come face to face with these very things. If not presented so fully and clearly on that island, I wouldn't be allowed to grasp them either. I would not believe them myself. Yet, the fact remains I did. I met with what I once scorned and it changed me.

It was out of all this heat, all this emotional flooding _**he**_ came. The following times with him I remember both as sharp as a photograph and as blurry as a rain soaked window. All I can really say is that the need I once had for you began calling for another. I no longer wanted _your _comforts or _your_ company to fill me.

You watched me then, but barely saw. You denied my need forthe man. You couldn't believe there was any truth to it. Yet, you watched me become close to him, and drift from you. You tried so hard to ignore it, to pretend it wasn't there. Did you really think I, your sister and your twin, could not see through the snide remarks? How could you believe those childish jokes would hide your true face from me?

Do I blame you? No. You thought you were my only man. How could I blame you for your denial? I wondered myself how you bared those days. The days I came home in the morning's early hours with exhausted lust burning in my normally cold eyes. How did you not believe I was with him the night before?

The nights I stared out the window as if there was something there I couldn't live without. The nights you must have heard me call his name in both my conscious and unconscious states of being. You watched so patiently, convincing yourself it was unreal until the signs were far too obvious for even you to block with humor and teasing.

My hunger for the small man grew, and finally you begun to see it. You realized I was becoming lost, separated from you. This sparked fights unlike any we'd ever had before. No longer calm matches with little seriousness, but true rage filled fights. We fought with the intention of causing the other severe pain. It was the only way you could relate to me now. Through fights that could have literally ended in death.

He worried for me then. After our brawls I always found my way into his arms. He took care of my wounds and let me stay in his home for the night. He hated to see me leave the next day. At times he begged on hands and knees for me to wait just one more day for you to cool down. Each time I told him I had to return to you. You were after all my brother.

Our fights became more frequent. Soon hardly a day passed by that we did not find a reason to harm each other. Petty things begun bothering us about each other. Simple things, from the way cleaning your guns left stains, to the amount of noise the heals of my shoes caused. Still it always found a way back to _**him**_.

No matter what we argued about or what led us to our bone crushing fights. You always brought him up. Your eyes danced with disgust when you finally realized I was going to him. It angered you to know that this fight would do nothing, but push me deeper into my human's arms as would the next. You hated yourself for pushing me to him. You took your anger out on me knowing I would never let you near him as long as there was breath in my body. You hated him. You wanted him dead. You even told me so.

I asked you once I remember.

'Why do you hate him? You don't even know him.' You claimed it to be that you hate all humans. That you hated every breathing being on this planet equally. The fact that he meant something to me made little to no difference.

Little difference? Hardly dear brother. You must forget, I was once you. I will always know you. I know what the truth is, my sibling, my twin. You hate what he can do to me. You hate him because he pleases me. You hate how much I want him.

Deny our humanity all you wish my dear 17, but I **am** a women. A full grown, completely developed young woman. That means there will be times, as sickening as you find it, where I need to be treated as such by a man.

I've found the world of romance, a world I once spat in the face of. It has it's highs, it brings about certain. . .guilty delights. I've discovered new sensations. Pleasures that make my spine tingle just from the pure thought of them. I've seen things that I've never seen before. Felt what I didn't know could be felt. All at Krillin's hand. Understand that you as my brother can not provide this for me.

Do I just mean sex? No, I'm afeard I don't. Though part of me wishes I did. There are other things only my small human can provide for me now. Acceptance is one, something I can no longer feel with you. Being around you when your still that way, still the way we used to be. It doesn't feel right, it just doesn't. I can't be the partner you once had. I told you that girl is dead.

But Krillin. . .you could never understand the difference. When I'm with him it's so prefect. We blend together in such a beautiful rhythm I'm almost reminded of the way you and I once were, except with so much more purity and light. It's so. . .right. So right it makes me crave his company with an unnatural ache.

Admiration is another, oh if only you could grasp what I mean to him. The words he uses when he speaks of me. Prefect, strong, amazing, unearthly beauty, goddess. His pure bliss, his angel, the embodiment of his very heart and soul. It brings me such fulfillment, the likes of which you can't begin to comprehend. The things he says to me late at night when I'm so close to him. The gaze in his eyes as he looks at me. It's a perfect dream.

It is this thought that kills you. You wish, I know you do, so badly you could give me these things. It makes you violently sick to know there are things you will never be able to give me. There will always be things you can not do. It's hard for you to accept if only for the fact you believe yourself to be perfect.

I've seen the way you look at me after I return from his presence. The jealousy that dances in the mirror that is your face. It is then I feel my heated actions are written out as clear as daylight. You saw it all so clearly don't you? His hands caressing my still young and untouched skin. His mouth tending to my soft neck and rose tipped breasts. His body pressed pleasantly against my own. Were you any other I know I would not have felt the guilt of my unwed sins. But it remains that you are my brother and you still in many ways know me.

There were days I couldn't look at you after I'd been with him. We were so close, a bond considered as strong as two lovers'. I felt like I'd betrayed you, but the next night it was the furthest thought in my head as I drunkenly devoured his lips and took him as my own. And you knew it. You knew he continued to please me while every thought of you became nothing more than a lost dream in my head. You knew your care for me paled so dramatically in our displays of passion and love. It killed you to be so helpless.

Yet I went back. Soon it became almost every night I went to him. It came to the point where I would wake from slumber to see him. The need was too great, too strong for me to handle anymore. I could no longer go a day without feeling his presence close to mine. I could just barely sleep a night without the feeling of his body pressed to my own in all the right places.

The more I went to him the more you broke. Still stuck in your childish ways you became spiteful. You never spoke with me when I returned from being with him. We did nothing together, but at rare times eat diner at the same table. You left for days without returning home. Though shamefully I barely noticed, too busy indulging in the pleasures of my lover. Resulting in times where we went days without any contact at all. There were times however, that I missed you. I still only scarcely recall the feeling.

Then it happened. Krillin asked me to marry him. It was so sudden, but it sparked a fire in me I never knew could be real. A thousand thoughts rushed through my mind to the clear sound of wedding bells. I was being offered a lifetime with him. A lifetime of these feelings that only he could make me feel. We could really and truly belong only to each other. I could see his smile every day and sleep in his arms every night. I could hold him and kiss him forever. Maybe I could even carry his children.

There was nothing to consider. No hesitation. No second thoughts. I said yes less than a moment later. His face shown so brightly at that single word, and I'm sure I matched the glow perfectly. I saw nothing else, I thought of nothing else. There was him and there was me. There was no one else in the world. I forgot you.

Seeing your face when I returned in the morning hurt. It was with my eyes on your lips and my heart beating loudly in my ears that I told you of his proposal. My tale was left unfinished. You would hear not even one more word. The games were over for you and for me. We had reached the fork in the road.

'Him or me?' I remember those words so clearly. They were two of the last things you said to me. Yet at first I could not grasp them. I heard them, but they did not compute. You repeated them. 'Chose 18, it's him or me.' DidI stare after your words? I must have. They still shock me now.

It was then I showed you my hand, tears trailing down my cheeks. The small diamond of my ring shined in the light. It's sparkle reflected in the cold blue eyes that are so much like my own. My eyes stung and my head turned to the floor. I did not want to see your face. I did not care to see the hatred that filled you.

Through force of will I managed to look at you. I wish I hadn't for that look will be the one I see before I die. There was no hatred, nor anger. I saw no disappointment and no shock. No pain, no remorse, nothing. I saw nothing. You might as well had been dead at that moment for all it was worth.

You turned your back on me and simultaneously we knew the decision had already been made. We had both missed it, but it was done. You had never even been in the running. I'd chosen him over you a long time ago. I turned away too.

We exchanged no words. There were no last glances or goodbyes. My tears had dried, all emotion gone for the time. I knew I'd never see you again, but for some reason that thought did not hurt. So then just as silently and suavely as ever I left. I had lost you again, but this time it was by my own choice.

Do I regret that choice? It is a foolish thing to ask. Why would I regret the one thing now in my life that brings me excitement and happiness? Just because the beauty of our passion is above you. It is not my fault nor his that you are so shallow and wrapped in your own selfish needs you can't see the fire he brings to my eyes.

Part of me is sorry. Sorry you can't see far enough past yourself to grow up. Sorry I had to make this decision. Sorry that after so many years of needing you that I turned away from you. Sorry your existence will soon be nothing to me but a far off memory. One so foggy that I'll wonder if it's even real or if it's just fabricated from dreams.

Did I truly choose a man over you? That man being the best friend of the very being we were told to destroy none the less. I like to think not. For this is larger than you or he, by far so. Were I the same girl that not so long ago called you partner things would be different. Were it that you knew what it was like to face your unknown worst fear things too would be different.

The fact is as long as you are stuck in the ways I have so easily and quickly grown out of then I can't stay with you. I can't stay in the shadow of what I once was. And you? You will never be able to leave the little world you've created. You will never grow the way I have.

So no, instead I am choosing a life where I will be loved, and adored. I am choosing my happiness and yours over this lie we have trapped ourselves in. I am choosing to live the life that has been set before me, and allowing you to live the one before you. I am choosing** our** freedom over some deluded fantasies.

Will I miss you? I can't say I will, but I can't say I won't either. I will not recognize the feeling if I do. Will **you** still love me? In your own way, yes. Will **I** still love you? Yes, I believe so. Though it is hard to say whether you and I have ever _really_ loved each other 17. I know what love feels like so it is hard for me to believe. Part of me likes to think we did, that we still do. Maybe that we always will.

_Brother._

It's the word that comes to mind as I give myself this one last moment to think of you. It is all I will allow, as after tomorrow I will marry and you will never enter my thoughts again. I leave you behind tonight. I say my final goodbye to a memory already so far gone.

_So goodbye, 17. Goodbye . . .my brother._

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Okay explanation time. I don't think too many of you picked up on it, but there are lines that could quite easily implicate an incestuous romance between the twins. Well they're not suppose to. The bond between 17&18 is tight. This however does not mean they have a romantic relationship. It simply means 17&18 have never sought romance due to their close bond. They felt there was no need. 

Another point I want clear(even though 18 says it herself.) I am not trying to make Krillin and 18's relationship sound as if it is purely sexual. Yes, she does mentions sex, but the things she says she is feeling and her "need" for him are not meant to be taken as being ONLY sexual. She is emotional AND sexually aroused by the feelings she has for Krillin. Understand?

Review please

Kap.


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